succumb to your past, then set it free and start over*

Why is it that i feel so lost, so often. i have a great support system- a group of friends who are unbelievably constant. always there for me in my hours of sadness. recently it's been more, but i have a hard time deciphering why. i mean, there's the obvious- i think i'm still a little heart broken sometimes. there are certain people who were in my life for so long, and if you were to look through the past year of life i don't think you'd even find a trace of them. that doesn't mean they don't still impact me, however. one person in particular hasn't seem to fully left me yet. it's almost as if when he left and broke my heart into tiny pieces, each little piece was connected to him. and trying to repair my heart, put the puzzle together again, is nearly impossible. it's taken a while for me to get to a place where i was comfortable on my own. i really was. but now that i'm back in my hometown where we grew up together and experienced so much of our life together, it's as if everywhere i turn.. i see him. that doesn't exactly make it easy to avoid thinking of him, and the 'us' that once was... he has moved on. he did so a while ago. why haven't i found that person yet? i deserve a good person, and someone that will make my stomach do cartwheels and my head feel fuzzy when i see him. i know it sounds petty to complain about something like that, considering the state of the world. but my life somewhat always revolves around love. i'm a hopeless romantic who fantasizes, hopes and possibly dreams too much about my future. i try to take my friends' and family's advice and "slow the hell down" or "take it one day at a time." but it's difficult. i want someone to love. but i'm so afraid to be hurt like this again. i associate the word love with pain now... because so many loved ones have left this world... grandparents, aunts, uncles, peers, friends. that's not to say i haven't seen them though. i tend to think i have some sort of connection to the spirits of the deceased. every person who i have known and loved have visited me in my dreams. i think it's a sign that love never fades. so the pain of missing them should only be temporary, for you will see them again. i believe i will.

i know this was just a ranting blog about nothing, and maybe it's because i just watched a tribute video of a loved one who was a part of my life for 4 years. who knows. but when i feel these emotions i have to write or else i can't do anything else. i'm travelling to Europe this friday and i need to have a clear head. be ready for some life experience. i definitely need it right now. hopefully when i come home i'll have some job opportunities available, or at least something to occupy my time. being alone in this town- which is like an unescapable nightmare of memories- does not help. i hope something comes along soon. i really do. for now, i'll keep my head up and my eyes dry. no tears will be wasted on the past, because although your past should be a part of who you are- it shouldn't dictate your future. i'll use these emotions and maybe they can help guide me in the right direction. toward something foreign or unknown. or maybe toward something that has been there all along but never been truly visible. only God knows where it will take me. and for now i will trust in him. he never gives you a mountain you can't climb.

life limbo

My friend lauren and I were calling this time that we're experiencing right now - "life limbo." We're graduated, so everyone expects us to be adults, but we still don't have jobs so we're dependent on our parents and families to help us until then. So, what exactly are we? Adults don't use their family, they earn their own money and make a living. But children and adolescents haven't graduated from a 4 year college. Now, Lauren just got herself a job so she's floated out of limbo. (YAY LAUREN!) But i'm still here. Floating around, unsure of everything really.

I thought for a while about doing something different. Going in a direction that no one would expect- not even me! I was looking and researching air force nursing. It's a huge commitment and something that I could really call an accomplishment. I've done about 3 things in my life so far that I think i can call accomplishments:

1- I got accepted into, and graduated from, the nursing program at Penn State University
2- I passed my NCLEX on the first try
3- I ran a half-marathon last fall...

Each of those 3 things have concrete evidence of success. A diploma, a license, and a certificate. It's easy to feel accomplished when you have the evidence staring you in the face everyday. In a way it's nice. It reminds me that I can do things if i set my mind to it. But it also makes me sad. The fact that I have to have proof that i'm a good person and do things that I didn't think I could. I should be strong enough to know it in my heart that I've accomplished more than that. And I thought going into the air force could be a way to prove to myself that I can do anything I set my heart on. I could go out into the world and learn something about myself. Be someone different that what everyone thinks i am. Because I am different. I'm different from my friends. Maybe I just feel that way because I'm so in-tuned with my emotions and inner voice. Maybe this is my inner voice- this blog- this stupid URL that fast tracks you to exactly what i'm thinking. I use the word 'you' loosely, considering theres probably one person who even reads this. and that's a stretch. But still. I do this for me mainly. If there's something I want people to hear, I post it. Otherwise, it's just an outlet for my mind. A vessel that transports thoughts and feelings to 'paper.' And as you can see... they tend to stray far from where I began. I started talking about work and ended up talking about my blog?!

Anyway- after getting my heart set on doing something great for my country, being a part of something bigger than anything i've ever experienced.. I talked to a recruiter. I found out that they won't accept me with my medical condition. Needless to say I was devastated. How something so foreign to me could be so appealing, how come i didn't think of it before? Was it because I was afraid? Maybe I didn't think I could literally do it. But as I questioned all of these things I realized that none of it mattered... because it's not a reality now. It reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite movies- 'fools rush in' - with matthew perry. The quote reads, "You're everything I never knew I always wanted..." (however, in my situation the 'want' isn't referring to a lover... and unlike the movie, as it turns out for me, I won't end up getting what I want.) I was refused because of a condition that was caused by a stupid accident one night. I feel like it haunts me. At first it was just the trip to Italy that I wasn't able to go on.. but then it's going on my semester abroad.. then driving, drinking, skydiving.. now joining the air force. It's like it's something I can't escape. A bad dream that no matter how many times I wake up, i feel like i'm still in it. just floating around waiting to wake up for good.

But I am awake, and I have to learn to deal with it. It's something I will have to overcome in my own way, and hopefully one day it may make me stronger. But i only hope for that. i hope that I will be able to find that peace within myself, channel it some other way. Become a better person on my own, and use what i've learned in my life as stepping stones on the way. I can do this. And although I may be upset, and cry more often than usual.. at least I know that I had the passion. I had the desire for something greater than Phoenixville, and State College, and anywhere else i've been. I only hope that God has bigger plans for me here. That he has something bright for my future. Cause for the time being.. I feel lost. I feel like I'm back at square one. And I need a sign. I need to have faith, that things will turn out for the best. I feel like my belief may be failing me, and I never want that to happen. So hopefully this message will reach him quickly. Because I don't know what to do next...

I guess for now i'm still stuck in limbo.