Missing pieces...

Have you ever felt true physical pain from a loss? An aching in every bone & muscle in your body? Or that the sense of grief is so overwhelming that you simply cannot breathe. Like the pain is a boulder on your chest, making you incapable of inhaling and exhaling. I've surely become accustomed to that feeling. Sometimes it's so much that I simply lose myself. A total meltdown- and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Ever since "the event" (as I now call it), a part of me is missing... broken... lost.

My fear is that I will never regain this missing piece of my soul. That I may never be whole again and that this void in my spirit will continue to grow. So how can I remedy this devastating emotion and recover from this extraordinary loss in my life? Obvious answers such as, "just give it time" & "have faith that all things happen for a reason," come to mind. But this does not provide me any solace. Because as days go on and time passes by, things do not get exceptionally better. Sure there are days when I'm consumed by other aspects of my life and I feel normal and more focused on those problems or situations. But more so, over these past few months, my days consist of moments of sorrow, guilt, and anger. Sorrow about no longer having my best friend... my sister, in many ways. About the inability to reminisce on the past, joke about our present, and plan for the future. Guilt for moving on with my life, and experiencing things that she will never be able to. For not being there to protect her when she needed me. And anger. So much anger. At the world, at God, at her friends, and at her. At the world for dealing her these cards and making this awful outcome her ultimate destiny. At God for taking this precious person away from us and robbing her of so many experiences that she deserved to have. At her friends for not taking care of my girl. For not protecting her from harm. And at her... For knowing better, and continuing to do it. She was a smart, genuine and cautious woman who had a good head on her shoulders and a strong will to be exactly who she was. So it makes me crazy to think that she felt the need to conform to what others wanted her to be.

But I guess that's the thing about being human- we're not perfect. Our ability to make conscious decisions set us up for failure at some point in our lives. No one can make the right decision every single time. The problem is when that one wrong step, or misguided choice leads you down a path so devastating that you cannot recover from it... and for her, that was exactly the case.

So for now, I suppose I need to believe with every molecule of my being, that something positive will come of this situation. That her story may inspire others, and possibly even affect their lives for the better. Holding tight to that thought will push me forward and force me to keep living the life that she always wanted for me. My hope is that I continue to feel her presence all around me. She is the beam of sunlight on a dark day... the tingle on the back of my neck I get when I hear certain songs on the radio... I will always carry with me the vision of her smiling face that is imprinted in my mind... and of course- the sound of her laugh that resonates within me forever.

I love you and miss you everyday... I hope that peace has found you, and that you continue to watch over us and guide us with your eternal grace.