summer poem

Heat. Its strong this time of year.
Standing in this field. The sunlight on my face.
I feel the morning dew, creep through my bare toes.
Its cool. Refreshing. Makes me feel anew.
I can’t describe this feeling. This feeling summer brings.
It’s something indescribable, intangible, but real…
It leads me to another place. One in which I am alive.
Full of spirit. Passion. Love.
To feel alive is easy during summer days.
Everything around you is beaming, chirping, screaming “I’m alive!”
You feel it in the earth. In the breeze. In the tides.
Its not a stretch of silence, or solitude, like winter often is.
No. There’s voices all around… crowds on every corner
I close my eyes. In my dream I am transported. To another place.
I can hear the life around me.
There’s splashing in the ocean, seagulls cawing from above.
There’s flapping of umbrellas in the gentle summer breeze.
A lifeguard whistles in the distance. A cautious warning to those too far.
I open my eyes.
Now I’m there. I can see it.
I see the feathered wings of those seagulls in the sky.
That vibrant, clear blue sky. It takes my breath away.
Looking down, beneath me is the sand.
A testament to the Earth’s old age.
Boulders, rocks and glass. Once sturdy. solid. Rough.
Worn down over many years, to simple sand. So soft and pure.
Digging my toes down deeper, I feel the sand turn cold.
It sends a sudden chill. It ceases though quite quickly.
For summer sun persists all day. So I can’t be cool for long.
A molecule of salty sweat, drips slowly down my neck.
A physical reminder of the place in which I sit.
When I close my eyes this time, it takes me home again.
To that field in which I lay. Now gazing at the stars.
For the sun has gone away
The grass is cold. The moon has risen. Another day gone by.
But I do not fear. I do not fear.
For the sun will rise again. Tomorrow. And the next.
And just as the everlasting cycle, that the sun and moon do share,
So do I, with hope, you see. Because I know it’s always there.
It greets me with each rising sun and takes me on a journey.
And though I may wonder how long this journey will take.
One thing I am sure of… is I’ll never wonder where.

succumb to your past, then set it free and start over*

Why is it that i feel so lost, so often. i have a great support system- a group of friends who are unbelievably constant. always there for me in my hours of sadness. recently it's been more, but i have a hard time deciphering why. i mean, there's the obvious- i think i'm still a little heart broken sometimes. there are certain people who were in my life for so long, and if you were to look through the past year of life i don't think you'd even find a trace of them. that doesn't mean they don't still impact me, however. one person in particular hasn't seem to fully left me yet. it's almost as if when he left and broke my heart into tiny pieces, each little piece was connected to him. and trying to repair my heart, put the puzzle together again, is nearly impossible. it's taken a while for me to get to a place where i was comfortable on my own. i really was. but now that i'm back in my hometown where we grew up together and experienced so much of our life together, it's as if everywhere i turn.. i see him. that doesn't exactly make it easy to avoid thinking of him, and the 'us' that once was... he has moved on. he did so a while ago. why haven't i found that person yet? i deserve a good person, and someone that will make my stomach do cartwheels and my head feel fuzzy when i see him. i know it sounds petty to complain about something like that, considering the state of the world. but my life somewhat always revolves around love. i'm a hopeless romantic who fantasizes, hopes and possibly dreams too much about my future. i try to take my friends' and family's advice and "slow the hell down" or "take it one day at a time." but it's difficult. i want someone to love. but i'm so afraid to be hurt like this again. i associate the word love with pain now... because so many loved ones have left this world... grandparents, aunts, uncles, peers, friends. that's not to say i haven't seen them though. i tend to think i have some sort of connection to the spirits of the deceased. every person who i have known and loved have visited me in my dreams. i think it's a sign that love never fades. so the pain of missing them should only be temporary, for you will see them again. i believe i will.

i know this was just a ranting blog about nothing, and maybe it's because i just watched a tribute video of a loved one who was a part of my life for 4 years. who knows. but when i feel these emotions i have to write or else i can't do anything else. i'm travelling to Europe this friday and i need to have a clear head. be ready for some life experience. i definitely need it right now. hopefully when i come home i'll have some job opportunities available, or at least something to occupy my time. being alone in this town- which is like an unescapable nightmare of memories- does not help. i hope something comes along soon. i really do. for now, i'll keep my head up and my eyes dry. no tears will be wasted on the past, because although your past should be a part of who you are- it shouldn't dictate your future. i'll use these emotions and maybe they can help guide me in the right direction. toward something foreign or unknown. or maybe toward something that has been there all along but never been truly visible. only God knows where it will take me. and for now i will trust in him. he never gives you a mountain you can't climb.

life limbo

My friend lauren and I were calling this time that we're experiencing right now - "life limbo." We're graduated, so everyone expects us to be adults, but we still don't have jobs so we're dependent on our parents and families to help us until then. So, what exactly are we? Adults don't use their family, they earn their own money and make a living. But children and adolescents haven't graduated from a 4 year college. Now, Lauren just got herself a job so she's floated out of limbo. (YAY LAUREN!) But i'm still here. Floating around, unsure of everything really.

I thought for a while about doing something different. Going in a direction that no one would expect- not even me! I was looking and researching air force nursing. It's a huge commitment and something that I could really call an accomplishment. I've done about 3 things in my life so far that I think i can call accomplishments:

1- I got accepted into, and graduated from, the nursing program at Penn State University
2- I passed my NCLEX on the first try
3- I ran a half-marathon last fall...

Each of those 3 things have concrete evidence of success. A diploma, a license, and a certificate. It's easy to feel accomplished when you have the evidence staring you in the face everyday. In a way it's nice. It reminds me that I can do things if i set my mind to it. But it also makes me sad. The fact that I have to have proof that i'm a good person and do things that I didn't think I could. I should be strong enough to know it in my heart that I've accomplished more than that. And I thought going into the air force could be a way to prove to myself that I can do anything I set my heart on. I could go out into the world and learn something about myself. Be someone different that what everyone thinks i am. Because I am different. I'm different from my friends. Maybe I just feel that way because I'm so in-tuned with my emotions and inner voice. Maybe this is my inner voice- this blog- this stupid URL that fast tracks you to exactly what i'm thinking. I use the word 'you' loosely, considering theres probably one person who even reads this. and that's a stretch. But still. I do this for me mainly. If there's something I want people to hear, I post it. Otherwise, it's just an outlet for my mind. A vessel that transports thoughts and feelings to 'paper.' And as you can see... they tend to stray far from where I began. I started talking about work and ended up talking about my blog?!

Anyway- after getting my heart set on doing something great for my country, being a part of something bigger than anything i've ever experienced.. I talked to a recruiter. I found out that they won't accept me with my medical condition. Needless to say I was devastated. How something so foreign to me could be so appealing, how come i didn't think of it before? Was it because I was afraid? Maybe I didn't think I could literally do it. But as I questioned all of these things I realized that none of it mattered... because it's not a reality now. It reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite movies- 'fools rush in' - with matthew perry. The quote reads, "You're everything I never knew I always wanted..." (however, in my situation the 'want' isn't referring to a lover... and unlike the movie, as it turns out for me, I won't end up getting what I want.) I was refused because of a condition that was caused by a stupid accident one night. I feel like it haunts me. At first it was just the trip to Italy that I wasn't able to go on.. but then it's going on my semester abroad.. then driving, drinking, skydiving.. now joining the air force. It's like it's something I can't escape. A bad dream that no matter how many times I wake up, i feel like i'm still in it. just floating around waiting to wake up for good.

But I am awake, and I have to learn to deal with it. It's something I will have to overcome in my own way, and hopefully one day it may make me stronger. But i only hope for that. i hope that I will be able to find that peace within myself, channel it some other way. Become a better person on my own, and use what i've learned in my life as stepping stones on the way. I can do this. And although I may be upset, and cry more often than usual.. at least I know that I had the passion. I had the desire for something greater than Phoenixville, and State College, and anywhere else i've been. I only hope that God has bigger plans for me here. That he has something bright for my future. Cause for the time being.. I feel lost. I feel like I'm back at square one. And I need a sign. I need to have faith, that things will turn out for the best. I feel like my belief may be failing me, and I never want that to happen. So hopefully this message will reach him quickly. Because I don't know what to do next...

I guess for now i'm still stuck in limbo.

time for a change

So I decided that I want to start writing on a regular basis about anything that comes to mind. Because as I look over my past posts, I realized I seem to only write about serious, depressing, or upsetting things and try to make it seem inspirational.. But a lot more happens in my life than just sadness. So I want to talk about other things. Even though no one really reads this, I like to use it as an outlet for my feelings.. So here's my first post of, hopefully many more...

I went up to State College last weekend, my alma mater, for Arts Fest 2010 baby, WOOHOO! It's sad to admit that I'm no longer a student there, because for the past 4 years I've spent the majority of my time there- meeting friends, experiencing life, learning a lot about myself. It was my second home really. A lot of thoughts came to mind of course. First, and most obviously, it made me sad to know that period in my life was over and now i'm faced with the reality of becoming a "real adult." Am I ready for that?! I mean, I just graduated from PSU with a nursing degree, and am currently studying everyday to pass my NCLEX. When I do, I will be the one in charge of peoples' lives!! It is a huge responsibility, and I think it's just now hitting me... I guess I don't have to worry about it too much right now considering I still don't have a job... UGH! My whole college career everyone kept saying- "you'll always have a job, you picked a great career, you won't have to worry about money or finding a place to work! Good for you!" I wanna say to them now- "YOU LIARS!" look what happened. There's nothing. Well, not nothing- my friends have jobs, and i'm very happy for them... but why can't I find one?! It's very frustrating, but I guess something will come eventually and for now I need to focus on passing my boards..

The second thing I thought about when I was up at school was how much I missed my friends, and the social aspect of college living. It's really hard to keep in touch with people when you're away from them. I've found that out. So when you're at school, it's easy to be close to people because you literally are close! You live about 100 yards away in a different apartment building, or 10 feet away in another bedroom. Even though our living conditions were pretty gross- and when I say that, i'm downplaying how bad it really was. I mean the Meridian elevators constantly were filled with urine in the corners, or vomit so undigested that you could actually decipher what they ate minutes before their body rejected it (usually fries from McD's or cheesy-red sauce, foul smelling awfulness from canyon pizza.. Pretty nasty). The actual apartments weren't 4 star either. Our rooms had ceiling tiles missing, the heat/AC hardly worked- and when it did, it never circulated evenly. You would be in one room in a hoodie, sweats and slippers.. then walk to another room and want to strip down to nothing because it was so hot. The bathrooms had thick, black mold practically glued to the corners of the shower and ceiling. The kitchen appliances were caked in grease. Couches that were so hideous and outdated that we had to cover them with walmart sheets just to look presentable. And Calder Commons was just as bad, if not worse. That is where I spent the bulk of my time as a senior- coming up on weekends and staying with my friends since I lived in Hershey. But despite all of that, It was my place and I loved it. I look back and laugh about it, because it was exactly what we needed as college kids. A crappy 2 bedroom apartment to call home and make us appreciate our real home. I would wake up and think how fun it is to be living away from parents and having a place to myself with my friends, but always missed my house in Phoenixville with my family... But I would also think to myself- I have a family here. My friends ARE my family. Even when we fight or have disagreements, I know they'll always be there for me, just as I will for them. And for that I am so grateful. I have 2 families, both are amazing, and both are something I will cherish forever.

College is a time to experiment, make the wrong choice and learn from it, skip a class because you're hungover, study for 18 hours straight and pull all-nighters in the library, make friends, fall in love, fall out of love .... grow up. I have changed so much in these past few years, but have still stayed true to myself. You start to realize that your life goes on, no matter what happens. Even if you fail a test here or there, don't get straight A's, make stupid decisions (and sometimes regret them), your life will continue. Each experience brings you closer to the person you are maturing into... the life you want... and the people you love.

So even though this weekend brought back some memories, and it does make me a little sad. I'm so glad I was able to go. It made me realize how lucky I am- I have great friends, and even if we slowly drift apart as we get older and move away and soon may not have the time to come back and reunite in our crappy apartments while getting wasted off of cheap alcohol... I know that for 4 years, I had the best time of my life... But now it's time to grow up. Time to change a bit. Time to roll with the punches and live the lives we have made for ourselves. Use what you've learned and do something great. Although our relationships, careers, opportunities and desires will take us far from where we started, we will always be able to look back on the places where we turned the corner from our teenage, adolescent years... to our (slightly) more mature and determined early 20's. The best time in our lives. And we will be able to say- "yeah. I learned a lot. Life is great. Friends are a gift. And our future remains unwritten."


*I dedicate this post to my PSU family, roommates, celebs and even randoms- because without you, my life would never be the same. I love you*

the unwritten pages of our lives

Life is a precious gift that, once bestowed upon us, leaves all possibility hanging in the balance… The ways in which we deal with this open-ended, unwritten book, and how we form our destinies is what sets us all apart. Our own decisions make our destiny a reality. But inability to cope well with the people we become, can lead us down a road that others cannot follow. It’s very easy to get lost when you walk down a road alone, with no one by your side. We live in a world where we have peace with war, passion but also indifference… love and hate. With such strong polar opposite emotions in our world, it’s easy to understand how some people succumb to the wrong ones. They get sucked into this downward tailspin of feelings, leaving them dizzy and confused with so many thoughts floating around in their minds. Thoughts that force them to question who they are, why they are here, and what they’ve done to get there… When an answer can’t be found or they feel the answers they have are not what they should be- many times the guilt or shame takes over, and they are powerless to overcome it. And sometimes, I suppose, when a feeling is so strong that nothing can be done to change it, the answers show themselves in the most brutal of ways. To some, losing their life is not sorrow- but rather a feeling of freedom and sense of accomplishment that in one way or another, they had control over some aspect of their lives. When your thoughts and emotions are constantly swirling in your head, it is easy to lose sight of the best feelings, and surrender to the worst. All we can do with the lives we are given is live it to the fullest. Experience every moment, listen to every sound, feel the earth beneath you, taste and smell the fresh flavors of the world, and always have someone to share these experiences with. Hold tight to the friendships and relationships that keep a fire lit in our hearts, and that act as the little voices in the back of our minds, ready to chime in during times of need…

making an effort

Sometimes life deals you a hand that seems unreasonable and unfair. But that's the way it goes. You cope with the worst hands and celebrate with the best. However, the effort you put in is all relative to the situation. When it is more difficult, it requires more dedication and perseverance in knowing that at some point it will all be okay. At the time, the bad hands seem impossible to handle, but eventually the pain of it all slowly subsides and you understand that everything happens for a reason. It takes time though to feel alright about the situation. So when you feel as if all you want to do is curl up in a ball and not face the facts, know that all it takes to get through the obstacle is faith and a little strength. Strength in knowing all your efforts will someday pay off. No matter how long it takes...

life, love, fire..

I hear people always complaining about how hard life is, and for the most part, I agree. Life is hard. But I started to wonder.. if it wasn't hard, if life came easily.. would it still be worth it? Would you appreciate every moment that was given to you? Every song a bird sings, the sound of the ocean on the shore, a child's smile, or the way your heart pumps when you're standing by the one you love. Would these moments be significant anymore? Because when everything comes easily, things are taken for granted. When life is hard, and not everything goes to plan- you start to realize what truly makes you happy, and appreciate the little things in life that, once passed, cannot be revived. There is life everywhere and in everything around you. Only, recognizing it is the difficult part. The part most people aren't capable of achieving. Seeing life literally is quite natural.. for example, from the smallest aspects, such as a cricket chirping, to the most enormous like a whale breaching at sea.. it is only when you are truly able to feel life around you can you understand what I'm saying. There is life in love, and should always be love in your life.. Loving is the essence of human beings. The ability to feel such strong emotion for another person is something to be valued. However, you are also allowing yourself to be vulnerable, because no living thing can last forever. The physical being of the ones you love will eventually fade away and all that will be left are memories. Memories of love can take you soaring high and far away from the pain of the physical world. And sometimes an escape from reality and a journey to the past is all you need to feel at home.. Love is the essence of our lives. It is vital to keep that flame of life eternally burning. To not let the spark die out.. Because when the fire dwindles down to embers, instead of letting it cool, you must keep feeding it.. feeding it with memories. Travel back to the time when questions could be answered and all things made sense. When every activity was enjoyable. And when you felt most alive.. That is when the flame will rise again. And you will feel every ounce of happiness, in knowing that at one point in your life, you were able to spend time on this earth, whether brief or extended, with someone you love. And that is a gift to be cherished...