Missing pieces...

Have you ever felt true physical pain from a loss? An aching in every bone & muscle in your body? Or that the sense of grief is so overwhelming that you simply cannot breathe. Like the pain is a boulder on your chest, making you incapable of inhaling and exhaling. I've surely become accustomed to that feeling. Sometimes it's so much that I simply lose myself. A total meltdown- and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Ever since "the event" (as I now call it), a part of me is missing... broken... lost.

My fear is that I will never regain this missing piece of my soul. That I may never be whole again and that this void in my spirit will continue to grow. So how can I remedy this devastating emotion and recover from this extraordinary loss in my life? Obvious answers such as, "just give it time" & "have faith that all things happen for a reason," come to mind. But this does not provide me any solace. Because as days go on and time passes by, things do not get exceptionally better. Sure there are days when I'm consumed by other aspects of my life and I feel normal and more focused on those problems or situations. But more so, over these past few months, my days consist of moments of sorrow, guilt, and anger. Sorrow about no longer having my best friend... my sister, in many ways. About the inability to reminisce on the past, joke about our present, and plan for the future. Guilt for moving on with my life, and experiencing things that she will never be able to. For not being there to protect her when she needed me. And anger. So much anger. At the world, at God, at her friends, and at her. At the world for dealing her these cards and making this awful outcome her ultimate destiny. At God for taking this precious person away from us and robbing her of so many experiences that she deserved to have. At her friends for not taking care of my girl. For not protecting her from harm. And at her... For knowing better, and continuing to do it. She was a smart, genuine and cautious woman who had a good head on her shoulders and a strong will to be exactly who she was. So it makes me crazy to think that she felt the need to conform to what others wanted her to be.

But I guess that's the thing about being human- we're not perfect. Our ability to make conscious decisions set us up for failure at some point in our lives. No one can make the right decision every single time. The problem is when that one wrong step, or misguided choice leads you down a path so devastating that you cannot recover from it... and for her, that was exactly the case.

So for now, I suppose I need to believe with every molecule of my being, that something positive will come of this situation. That her story may inspire others, and possibly even affect their lives for the better. Holding tight to that thought will push me forward and force me to keep living the life that she always wanted for me. My hope is that I continue to feel her presence all around me. She is the beam of sunlight on a dark day... the tingle on the back of my neck I get when I hear certain songs on the radio... I will always carry with me the vision of her smiling face that is imprinted in my mind... and of course- the sound of her laugh that resonates within me forever.

I love you and miss you everyday... I hope that peace has found you, and that you continue to watch over us and guide us with your eternal grace.

babies!

Em- I had this really cute ginger baby monday and today.. he's so cute. he looked up at me with these cute blue eyes and bright red hair and just stared at me and smiled! maybe it was you smiling at me through that cute little munchkin? anyway- i would have texted you to tell you, but now this is how i can get to you :)
miss you more than ever! i'm gonna go cuddle my little squidge now.. byeeee!!
<3 el

Tiny Angel

I had my first experience with death today. Well, first infant death. I knew it would be difficult, but I didn't know how hard. There's not much I can say... this is all I could think of, to try and express how I am feeling.


So small and helpless were you once
When God first sent you here
Fighting for your every breath
We prayed for you, my dear

Our prayers have now been answered
it's better can't you see?
No longer in this painful world,
Now you are free.

God has called you home at last
To dance among the stars
Twinkling, brightly every night
Seemingly close, yet still so far

But please, be not afraid
For we'll never be too far apart
Because, dear child, you see..
You've left your footprints in our hearts

Adjust your sails

We have all encountered things in our lives that seem unfair. Yesterday, a kind and well-respected woman's life was taken by cancer. Elizabeth Edwards was an author, a wife, a mother and a friend. One of my favorite things she said was (and I roughly quote), "When the winds did not blow my way - and surely at times they did not - I simply adjusted my sails..." That is such an excellent motto to live by. Because life will not always go your way; the wind may blow you over. It may push you backward when you're trying to move ahead. But then again, it just may be the little gust you need to push you forward and inspire you to do more. It happened for me just the other day. I got the job I've been so desperately waiting for! I guess things are starting to turn around...

Now the question is- will I be able to survive this new chapter in my life? I'm nervous of course. Every time it is mentioned now my heart pumps so quickly I can feel the blood rush throughout my body. My stomach drops and my head feels woozy. I suppose everyone feels this way at some point though, right? A new job. Living away from home. Being completely on your own. It's exhilarating but terrifying. I only hope that my loved ones who were taken from this world are up there to watch over me and see me through this transition. So for now, I'll take the advice of Elizabeth. I will adjust my sails accordingly, and accept whatever happens... Wish me luck!

up in the air? more like down on the ground... help me up!

After watching the movie, "Up in the Air," with George Clooney, I started thinking. And per usual I decided to write about it. It's typical and perfectly fitting that I would decide to watch a movie about people losing their jobs and the main character not finding love. Both of those things have been a constant in my life for the past year almost. He takes a risk and chases (figuratively) after an emotion he thought he had found inside of him. Unfortunately for him, his chase led him to disappointment and ultimately landed him back where he started. This character never knew what it was like to come home to something, because he was always on the go. It makes me wonder if the same thing may happen if I do the opposite. I'm standing still. Some days I feel I'm almost going backwards, because there's no room for forward motion. The world is spinning around me, people and cars are flying by... but it has no affect on me. Because I'm meerly a bystander. Watching my surroundings undergo this perpetual transformation, while I am stagnant in a corner. It is this realization that keeps me up at night.. that tears at the fibers of my being and makes me feel so uneasy. I've never been this person. The person you glance at and immediately know is unhappy- simply by their crease between their eyebrows and tension in their smile... Smiling should be easy. It should be natural. I'm sick of faking it.

This summer was not an easy transition for me. The place I called home was not the same- our friends were separated, some simply by a few miles... others by states and even oceans. I am nothing but grateful for the opportunities that were presented to my friends, but will always wonder if my transition may have been different had they been around- or had I been offered a job. Maybe it's because of my surplus of time at hand that I find myself 'pondering' life so often. Who knows? Maybe it's that I don't have someone I can call my boyfriend or (as it is often times referred to in cheesy movies or engraved on cheap love quote signs as) 'my better half.' The truth is, I don't know. And It doesn't really matter to me. What matters is figuring out what I can do to relive myself of this burden. I can't bear it anymore. The emptiness is eating away at my insides like a cancerous parasite. It started slow at first but now it seems like I can hardly stop it from spreading. But I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. My best friend is struggling with the same demons. And has been for longer than I was even aware of until recently. She thought she found a way out of the rabbit hole... by letting in a man who she thought she could trust. It didn't help for long.. So now what?! Sometimes I wonder why these feelings overcame us. But It's like I'm living everyones' nightmare. I'm falling in space. Not sure when I'll wake up and be safe in my bed again. Every once in a while I land on a star and take a look around. Things seem happy for a brief moment. I am transported to a place in which I am comfortable.. I am with friends, laughing, and smiling- a genuine smile. No effort needed... It is short-lived, however. Because good things have a way of disappearing before you want them to... but maybe that's what makes them so great. The fact that they don't last forever. Would you cherish those good times as much if you lived them every moment of the day? Would you even notice them?

The only way to feel true joy or happiness, is to succumb to life's pain and disappointment that- at one point or another- will ultimately, and undoubtedly, present itself to you... So next time the other side of the mountain seems too high to climb... take a step back. Look at it from another perspective. Maybe check out another route. Either way- if you never try, you will never move forward. Take it one day at a time... step-by-step. Eventually you will reach the top. Once you are there, take a look around. Enjoy the view. Afterward, you may even feel the desire to take one last look behind you, just as proof of how far you've come and the strength you found within yourself to accomplish it. Then, with no hesitation or insecurity, you turn around and face your future. Gaze at the possibilities, map out your route, and take a deep breath... then step forward. You can do this- you can do it with steady hands, a sturdy stance and unbreakable spirit. Because in the back of your mind, you know that the hike down won't even compare to the climb up that you just had.

(<3 you ARP)

summer poem

Heat. Its strong this time of year.
Standing in this field. The sunlight on my face.
I feel the morning dew, creep through my bare toes.
Its cool. Refreshing. Makes me feel anew.
I can’t describe this feeling. This feeling summer brings.
It’s something indescribable, intangible, but real…
It leads me to another place. One in which I am alive.
Full of spirit. Passion. Love.
To feel alive is easy during summer days.
Everything around you is beaming, chirping, screaming “I’m alive!”
You feel it in the earth. In the breeze. In the tides.
Its not a stretch of silence, or solitude, like winter often is.
No. There’s voices all around… crowds on every corner
I close my eyes. In my dream I am transported. To another place.
I can hear the life around me.
There’s splashing in the ocean, seagulls cawing from above.
There’s flapping of umbrellas in the gentle summer breeze.
A lifeguard whistles in the distance. A cautious warning to those too far.
I open my eyes.
Now I’m there. I can see it.
I see the feathered wings of those seagulls in the sky.
That vibrant, clear blue sky. It takes my breath away.
Looking down, beneath me is the sand.
A testament to the Earth’s old age.
Boulders, rocks and glass. Once sturdy. solid. Rough.
Worn down over many years, to simple sand. So soft and pure.
Digging my toes down deeper, I feel the sand turn cold.
It sends a sudden chill. It ceases though quite quickly.
For summer sun persists all day. So I can’t be cool for long.
A molecule of salty sweat, drips slowly down my neck.
A physical reminder of the place in which I sit.
When I close my eyes this time, it takes me home again.
To that field in which I lay. Now gazing at the stars.
For the sun has gone away
The grass is cold. The moon has risen. Another day gone by.
But I do not fear. I do not fear.
For the sun will rise again. Tomorrow. And the next.
And just as the everlasting cycle, that the sun and moon do share,
So do I, with hope, you see. Because I know it’s always there.
It greets me with each rising sun and takes me on a journey.
And though I may wonder how long this journey will take.
One thing I am sure of… is I’ll never wonder where.

succumb to your past, then set it free and start over*

Why is it that i feel so lost, so often. i have a great support system- a group of friends who are unbelievably constant. always there for me in my hours of sadness. recently it's been more, but i have a hard time deciphering why. i mean, there's the obvious- i think i'm still a little heart broken sometimes. there are certain people who were in my life for so long, and if you were to look through the past year of life i don't think you'd even find a trace of them. that doesn't mean they don't still impact me, however. one person in particular hasn't seem to fully left me yet. it's almost as if when he left and broke my heart into tiny pieces, each little piece was connected to him. and trying to repair my heart, put the puzzle together again, is nearly impossible. it's taken a while for me to get to a place where i was comfortable on my own. i really was. but now that i'm back in my hometown where we grew up together and experienced so much of our life together, it's as if everywhere i turn.. i see him. that doesn't exactly make it easy to avoid thinking of him, and the 'us' that once was... he has moved on. he did so a while ago. why haven't i found that person yet? i deserve a good person, and someone that will make my stomach do cartwheels and my head feel fuzzy when i see him. i know it sounds petty to complain about something like that, considering the state of the world. but my life somewhat always revolves around love. i'm a hopeless romantic who fantasizes, hopes and possibly dreams too much about my future. i try to take my friends' and family's advice and "slow the hell down" or "take it one day at a time." but it's difficult. i want someone to love. but i'm so afraid to be hurt like this again. i associate the word love with pain now... because so many loved ones have left this world... grandparents, aunts, uncles, peers, friends. that's not to say i haven't seen them though. i tend to think i have some sort of connection to the spirits of the deceased. every person who i have known and loved have visited me in my dreams. i think it's a sign that love never fades. so the pain of missing them should only be temporary, for you will see them again. i believe i will.

i know this was just a ranting blog about nothing, and maybe it's because i just watched a tribute video of a loved one who was a part of my life for 4 years. who knows. but when i feel these emotions i have to write or else i can't do anything else. i'm travelling to Europe this friday and i need to have a clear head. be ready for some life experience. i definitely need it right now. hopefully when i come home i'll have some job opportunities available, or at least something to occupy my time. being alone in this town- which is like an unescapable nightmare of memories- does not help. i hope something comes along soon. i really do. for now, i'll keep my head up and my eyes dry. no tears will be wasted on the past, because although your past should be a part of who you are- it shouldn't dictate your future. i'll use these emotions and maybe they can help guide me in the right direction. toward something foreign or unknown. or maybe toward something that has been there all along but never been truly visible. only God knows where it will take me. and for now i will trust in him. he never gives you a mountain you can't climb.