is this really me?...

Growing up is a tricky thing. One day you're playing in a sandbox, being chased by the boy carrying a worm and threatening to put it in your hair, and the next you're a week away from becoming a senior in college, majorly in debt from student loans and unnecessary shopping trips you took with your friends when you were feeling sad. The transformation from childhood to adulthood happens when you're not expecting it. Most people don't even notice when it does. I wonder why it is, that when we are young, all we want to do is grow up... and then once you're there, we wish we could just go back to those days on the playground- to the simpler times, before life became so complicated. I'm not saying that being an adult is terrible, but rather terribly confusing. The responsibilities that all at once are thrown upon you, the choices we have to make everyday which ultimately decide our future, and most of all, that feeling of helplessness that overwhelms you when you realize that you only get one chance on this earth to live life the way you choose and be yourself.
This all came to me one day as I was shopping. Go figure. It takes spending way too much money that I don't have to make me realize what truly matters. As I was checking out at the register with my black and brown gladiator sandals, gold chandelier earrings and a brightly patterned scarf, I thought to myself- "Have I become that girl who defines herself through clothing and accessories? Was I always like this? Where did the girl who lived in those jean shorts and Old Navy flip-flops go?" When I was younger I cared less about what people thought of me and lived my life day by day, never making plans for the future. (Possibly because at this time my parents still made all my plans for me, but still). I started to question why it is that I changed who I was as I matured. Obviously growing up forces you to make some changes, but not so many that it should make you feel unsure about yourself and who you are. It starts in Junior High and continues through those teenage years of high school. Everyone is trying to fit in, be part of a group. All the girls dressed the same so that no one can be singled out from the crowd... Looking back, I know it was at that point when I became "like everyone else." All the way through high school it lasted. Everyone shopping at Hollister, American Eagle and Abercrombie. The destroyed, faded wash jeans and the multi-colored polos with the little moose or bird encrusted in the fibers were the staple wardrobe for me and my group of friends. Although we all grew out of that style, the idea of looking the same has stayed with me through college. Ever since the days of those preppy teen clothes, I have been addicted to shopping. I buy whatever is in style, and whatever other people are wearing. I even model some of my outfits off the mannequins in different stores. Why can’t I say- “This is what I like. This is what I’m going to wear today.” Because isn’t part of growing up being able to step outside of the box and do ‘your own thing’? Why haven’t I grown up? Am I stuck in this rut forever? Yea, OK, having a huge closet that is busting with clothes, a shoe rack about to fall down from the weight and jewelry resting in 3 or 4 different boxes or hanging around my room is pretty great… But am I happy because of that? Is my shopping addiction allowing me to be my own person or is it stereotyping me as someone else? I feel as if this may be the turning point for me. Someone once said, “We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.” So after graduating from adolescence and moving on to adulthood, I finally understand the meaning behind the words, ‘Be who you are, and no one else.’ Of course, I know that this doesn’t just mean changing my style- that is just an example of how trivial things, like clothing, do not matter in the grand scheme of things. The only thing that matters, is happiness. And achieving that sometimes means rewinding to the beginning, to before we grew up. It is important to do this sooner rather than later. Because after a while that path that leads you back, gets harder and harder to find...