is this really me?...

Growing up is a tricky thing. One day you're playing in a sandbox, being chased by the boy carrying a worm and threatening to put it in your hair, and the next you're a week away from becoming a senior in college, majorly in debt from student loans and unnecessary shopping trips you took with your friends when you were feeling sad. The transformation from childhood to adulthood happens when you're not expecting it. Most people don't even notice when it does. I wonder why it is, that when we are young, all we want to do is grow up... and then once you're there, we wish we could just go back to those days on the playground- to the simpler times, before life became so complicated. I'm not saying that being an adult is terrible, but rather terribly confusing. The responsibilities that all at once are thrown upon you, the choices we have to make everyday which ultimately decide our future, and most of all, that feeling of helplessness that overwhelms you when you realize that you only get one chance on this earth to live life the way you choose and be yourself.
This all came to me one day as I was shopping. Go figure. It takes spending way too much money that I don't have to make me realize what truly matters. As I was checking out at the register with my black and brown gladiator sandals, gold chandelier earrings and a brightly patterned scarf, I thought to myself- "Have I become that girl who defines herself through clothing and accessories? Was I always like this? Where did the girl who lived in those jean shorts and Old Navy flip-flops go?" When I was younger I cared less about what people thought of me and lived my life day by day, never making plans for the future. (Possibly because at this time my parents still made all my plans for me, but still). I started to question why it is that I changed who I was as I matured. Obviously growing up forces you to make some changes, but not so many that it should make you feel unsure about yourself and who you are. It starts in Junior High and continues through those teenage years of high school. Everyone is trying to fit in, be part of a group. All the girls dressed the same so that no one can be singled out from the crowd... Looking back, I know it was at that point when I became "like everyone else." All the way through high school it lasted. Everyone shopping at Hollister, American Eagle and Abercrombie. The destroyed, faded wash jeans and the multi-colored polos with the little moose or bird encrusted in the fibers were the staple wardrobe for me and my group of friends. Although we all grew out of that style, the idea of looking the same has stayed with me through college. Ever since the days of those preppy teen clothes, I have been addicted to shopping. I buy whatever is in style, and whatever other people are wearing. I even model some of my outfits off the mannequins in different stores. Why can’t I say- “This is what I like. This is what I’m going to wear today.” Because isn’t part of growing up being able to step outside of the box and do ‘your own thing’? Why haven’t I grown up? Am I stuck in this rut forever? Yea, OK, having a huge closet that is busting with clothes, a shoe rack about to fall down from the weight and jewelry resting in 3 or 4 different boxes or hanging around my room is pretty great… But am I happy because of that? Is my shopping addiction allowing me to be my own person or is it stereotyping me as someone else? I feel as if this may be the turning point for me. Someone once said, “We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.” So after graduating from adolescence and moving on to adulthood, I finally understand the meaning behind the words, ‘Be who you are, and no one else.’ Of course, I know that this doesn’t just mean changing my style- that is just an example of how trivial things, like clothing, do not matter in the grand scheme of things. The only thing that matters, is happiness. And achieving that sometimes means rewinding to the beginning, to before we grew up. It is important to do this sooner rather than later. Because after a while that path that leads you back, gets harder and harder to find...

Friend

I was watching the last few episodes of the show "Friends" today with my roommate. It made me wonder about friendship, and what it truly means to be a friend. Does it mean staying up late quizzing each other in the library until the sun comes up? Is it bringing them a bowl of soup and helping with homework when the other can't raise their heavy, snot-filled head from the bed? Is it holding back their hair as they relieve their stomach of the alcohol that only hours earlier made them lose their inhibitions and finally talk to that boy they've been eyeing? Or is it comforting the other as they cry on your shoulder about the boy who swore he would call and didn't? The one who they thought was "the one" and who said he would be there forever and always. The one who puts you through hell then comes back to you on a white horse, dressed in shining armor and a halo promising everything would be different now. When inevitably a few months later the cycle continues and the crying starts all over again. If you ask me, it's all of those things. I can't give an example of one time when I wouldn't want to be there for one of my friends. My friends are my family. It is an unconditional love. No matter what they do, things they say, or how they may feel- I will always be there for them. The way they are there for me. After my breakup with my ex-boyfriend... well after all 3 breakups, my friends had my back and supported me through every decision I made and action I took. Despite the fact that this was the third time he has left me out in the cold, they understood my pain. I don't believe I would have gotten through this last time if they were not around giving me advice and voicing their opinions. So I am writing this to all my friends and all those who were there for me when I needed them. To those who have wiped my tears when I didn't have the strength to lift my arms; rubbed my back as I weep over the 'what-could-have-beens' and 'only-ifs'; and argued all the reasons as to why he was not the right one for me, forcing me to believe something better is waiting around the corner. Although my prince is not here with me right now, and may not be for a while... for the time being, I have my friends. I have my girls. You are my rock- keeping me from teetering off the edge, sending me head first into the mud. For that, and for keeping my head above water when all I want to do is sink to the bottom... I thank you, and love you.

What really matters?

Do you ever wonder why certain things happen to you? If you say no, you’re lying. At some point or another everyone questions the events leading up to those pivotal moments in ones life. Death of a loved one, birth of a child, graduation, marriage or divorce. When it is sad, we ask ourselves “why us,” “how could you do this, God?” Then when it is a happy event we question why we are so lucky as to have had it happen to us. We are constantly pondering the reason for these events. It is not until something joyful happens afterward that we truly discover the reasoning behind the tragedy. Breaking up with a boyfriend, for example. At the time, that crushing feeling, the absolute pain that rips up your heart and makes your stomach do cartwheels inside. The loneliness you feel when you hear his name, or see something that sparks a memory, immediately causing a sinking feeling throughout your whole body, almost causing a total collapse. At the time you think that things could never be worse and that the pain will never go away because nothing can compare to this devastation. Thinking lives truly hang in the balance… Well how about when something worse really does happen? How about when the mother of that ex-boyfriend gets diagnosed with a terminal illness… Can we take a step back and put things in perspective, finally?

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. I had a very close relationship with his family throughout that time. Her stage 4 lung cancer diagnosis hit home while I was abroad for a week during fall break. After extensive chemo and radiation we thought she was making significant progress. During her progression is when my boyfriend and I split. Yesterday I read his sister’s blog, only to find that her cancer has spread which worsens her prognosis drastically. I didn’t know how to react at first. How can I offer help without being in his or their life anymore? As a nursing student, I constantly teach patients’ families how to cope with these issues and some calming techniques they can use. But all of a sudden I feel completely lost and unsure of everything I have been learning in school. It made me feel so insignificant, and petty for being so upset over something like a breakup. Life is so much simpler when you look at it from a distance. It is only when you pull out the magnifying glass that you truly see the complexity of our lives. Like a giant wicker basket; holding all of us and our existence together in a cluster. The woven fibers of this basket being the relationships we experience throughout our time on earth. Those that damage their relations with loved ones are the people whose basket falls apart. It is essential that as humans we learn forgiveness and how to truly appreciate all relationships, lost or contained. No matter the cause of separation, or the pain in which it caused… Because when something happens that causes deep, true pain, we finally see what matters and why it is important to maintain those relationships. It is trivial to hold grudges and not have faith in others. Through this experience with his family and after seeing toll it takes on the entire household, I realize that despite the fact I am not close with them now, it does not mean I can’t help in whatever way possible. I disregard the bantering and anger from the past with my ex, and I plan to focus on helping him and the family through this time. Because at the end of the day, the truth is… love will always be there, in one way or another. Just because it is not intimate love doesn’t mean it isn’t love. Any act of kindness is out of love and the fact that you care for the other. So today, mend a broken relationship… offer your love or charity to someone who needs it. When tomorrow rolls around, you will see the big picture- that life passes you by when you move too quickly. So cherish it. Every relationship, joy and even tragedy. Because once it is gone, you can never get it back.