After watching the movie, "Up in the Air," with George Clooney, I started thinking. And per usual I decided to write about it. It's typical and perfectly fitting that I would decide to watch a movie about people losing their jobs and the main character not finding love. Both of those things have been a constant in my life for the past year almost. He takes a risk and chases (figuratively) after an emotion he thought he had found inside of him. Unfortunately for him, his chase led him to disappointment and ultimately landed him back where he started. This character never knew what it was like to come home to something, because he was always on the go. It makes me wonder if the same thing may happen if I do the opposite. I'm standing still. Some days I feel I'm almost going backwards, because there's no room for forward motion. The world is spinning around me, people and cars are flying by... but it has no affect on me. Because I'm meerly a bystander. Watching my surroundings undergo this perpetual transformation, while I am stagnant in a corner. It is this realization that keeps me up at night.. that tears at the fibers of my being and makes me feel so uneasy. I've never been this person. The person you glance at and immediately know is unhappy- simply by their crease between their eyebrows and tension in their smile... Smiling should be easy. It should be natural. I'm sick of faking it.
This summer was not an easy transition for me. The place I called home was not the same- our friends were separated, some simply by a few miles... others by states and even oceans. I am nothing but grateful for the opportunities that were presented to my friends, but will always wonder if my transition may have been different had they been around- or had I been offered a job. Maybe it's because of my surplus of time at hand that I find myself 'pondering' life so often. Who knows? Maybe it's that I don't have someone I can call my boyfriend or (as it is often times referred to in cheesy movies or engraved on cheap love quote signs as) 'my better half.' The truth is, I don't know. And It doesn't really matter to me. What matters is figuring out what I can do to relive myself of this burden. I can't bear it anymore. The emptiness is eating away at my insides like a cancerous parasite. It started slow at first but now it seems like I can hardly stop it from spreading. But I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. My best friend is struggling with the same demons. And has been for longer than I was even aware of until recently. She thought she found a way out of the rabbit hole... by letting in a man who she thought she could trust. It didn't help for long.. So now what?! Sometimes I wonder why these feelings overcame us. But It's like I'm living everyones' nightmare. I'm falling in space. Not sure when I'll wake up and be safe in my bed again. Every once in a while I land on a star and take a look around. Things seem happy for a brief moment. I am transported to a place in which I am comfortable.. I am with friends, laughing, and smiling- a genuine smile. No effort needed... It is short-lived, however. Because good things have a way of disappearing before you want them to... but maybe that's what makes them so great. The fact that they don't last forever. Would you cherish those good times as much if you lived them every moment of the day? Would you even notice them?
The only way to feel true joy or happiness, is to succumb to life's pain and disappointment that- at one point or another- will ultimately, and undoubtedly, present itself to you... So next time the other side of the mountain seems too high to climb... take a step back. Look at it from another perspective. Maybe check out another route. Either way- if you never try, you will never move forward. Take it one day at a time... step-by-step. Eventually you will reach the top. Once you are there, take a look around. Enjoy the view. Afterward, you may even feel the desire to take one last look behind you, just as proof of how far you've come and the strength you found within yourself to accomplish it. Then, with no hesitation or insecurity, you turn around and face your future. Gaze at the possibilities, map out your route, and take a deep breath... then step forward. You can do this- you can do it with steady hands, a sturdy stance and unbreakable spirit. Because in the back of your mind, you know that the hike down won't even compare to the climb up that you just had.
(<3 you ARP)
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