Missing pieces...

Have you ever felt true physical pain from a loss? An aching in every bone & muscle in your body? Or that the sense of grief is so overwhelming that you simply cannot breathe. Like the pain is a boulder on your chest, making you incapable of inhaling and exhaling. I've surely become accustomed to that feeling. Sometimes it's so much that I simply lose myself. A total meltdown- and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Ever since "the event" (as I now call it), a part of me is missing... broken... lost.

My fear is that I will never regain this missing piece of my soul. That I may never be whole again and that this void in my spirit will continue to grow. So how can I remedy this devastating emotion and recover from this extraordinary loss in my life? Obvious answers such as, "just give it time" & "have faith that all things happen for a reason," come to mind. But this does not provide me any solace. Because as days go on and time passes by, things do not get exceptionally better. Sure there are days when I'm consumed by other aspects of my life and I feel normal and more focused on those problems or situations. But more so, over these past few months, my days consist of moments of sorrow, guilt, and anger. Sorrow about no longer having my best friend... my sister, in many ways. About the inability to reminisce on the past, joke about our present, and plan for the future. Guilt for moving on with my life, and experiencing things that she will never be able to. For not being there to protect her when she needed me. And anger. So much anger. At the world, at God, at her friends, and at her. At the world for dealing her these cards and making this awful outcome her ultimate destiny. At God for taking this precious person away from us and robbing her of so many experiences that she deserved to have. At her friends for not taking care of my girl. For not protecting her from harm. And at her... For knowing better, and continuing to do it. She was a smart, genuine and cautious woman who had a good head on her shoulders and a strong will to be exactly who she was. So it makes me crazy to think that she felt the need to conform to what others wanted her to be.

But I guess that's the thing about being human- we're not perfect. Our ability to make conscious decisions set us up for failure at some point in our lives. No one can make the right decision every single time. The problem is when that one wrong step, or misguided choice leads you down a path so devastating that you cannot recover from it... and for her, that was exactly the case.

So for now, I suppose I need to believe with every molecule of my being, that something positive will come of this situation. That her story may inspire others, and possibly even affect their lives for the better. Holding tight to that thought will push me forward and force me to keep living the life that she always wanted for me. My hope is that I continue to feel her presence all around me. She is the beam of sunlight on a dark day... the tingle on the back of my neck I get when I hear certain songs on the radio... I will always carry with me the vision of her smiling face that is imprinted in my mind... and of course- the sound of her laugh that resonates within me forever.

I love you and miss you everyday... I hope that peace has found you, and that you continue to watch over us and guide us with your eternal grace.

babies!

Em- I had this really cute ginger baby monday and today.. he's so cute. he looked up at me with these cute blue eyes and bright red hair and just stared at me and smiled! maybe it was you smiling at me through that cute little munchkin? anyway- i would have texted you to tell you, but now this is how i can get to you :)
miss you more than ever! i'm gonna go cuddle my little squidge now.. byeeee!!
<3 el

Tiny Angel

I had my first experience with death today. Well, first infant death. I knew it would be difficult, but I didn't know how hard. There's not much I can say... this is all I could think of, to try and express how I am feeling.


So small and helpless were you once
When God first sent you here
Fighting for your every breath
We prayed for you, my dear

Our prayers have now been answered
it's better can't you see?
No longer in this painful world,
Now you are free.

God has called you home at last
To dance among the stars
Twinkling, brightly every night
Seemingly close, yet still so far

But please, be not afraid
For we'll never be too far apart
Because, dear child, you see..
You've left your footprints in our hearts

Adjust your sails

We have all encountered things in our lives that seem unfair. Yesterday, a kind and well-respected woman's life was taken by cancer. Elizabeth Edwards was an author, a wife, a mother and a friend. One of my favorite things she said was (and I roughly quote), "When the winds did not blow my way - and surely at times they did not - I simply adjusted my sails..." That is such an excellent motto to live by. Because life will not always go your way; the wind may blow you over. It may push you backward when you're trying to move ahead. But then again, it just may be the little gust you need to push you forward and inspire you to do more. It happened for me just the other day. I got the job I've been so desperately waiting for! I guess things are starting to turn around...

Now the question is- will I be able to survive this new chapter in my life? I'm nervous of course. Every time it is mentioned now my heart pumps so quickly I can feel the blood rush throughout my body. My stomach drops and my head feels woozy. I suppose everyone feels this way at some point though, right? A new job. Living away from home. Being completely on your own. It's exhilarating but terrifying. I only hope that my loved ones who were taken from this world are up there to watch over me and see me through this transition. So for now, I'll take the advice of Elizabeth. I will adjust my sails accordingly, and accept whatever happens... Wish me luck!

up in the air? more like down on the ground... help me up!

After watching the movie, "Up in the Air," with George Clooney, I started thinking. And per usual I decided to write about it. It's typical and perfectly fitting that I would decide to watch a movie about people losing their jobs and the main character not finding love. Both of those things have been a constant in my life for the past year almost. He takes a risk and chases (figuratively) after an emotion he thought he had found inside of him. Unfortunately for him, his chase led him to disappointment and ultimately landed him back where he started. This character never knew what it was like to come home to something, because he was always on the go. It makes me wonder if the same thing may happen if I do the opposite. I'm standing still. Some days I feel I'm almost going backwards, because there's no room for forward motion. The world is spinning around me, people and cars are flying by... but it has no affect on me. Because I'm meerly a bystander. Watching my surroundings undergo this perpetual transformation, while I am stagnant in a corner. It is this realization that keeps me up at night.. that tears at the fibers of my being and makes me feel so uneasy. I've never been this person. The person you glance at and immediately know is unhappy- simply by their crease between their eyebrows and tension in their smile... Smiling should be easy. It should be natural. I'm sick of faking it.

This summer was not an easy transition for me. The place I called home was not the same- our friends were separated, some simply by a few miles... others by states and even oceans. I am nothing but grateful for the opportunities that were presented to my friends, but will always wonder if my transition may have been different had they been around- or had I been offered a job. Maybe it's because of my surplus of time at hand that I find myself 'pondering' life so often. Who knows? Maybe it's that I don't have someone I can call my boyfriend or (as it is often times referred to in cheesy movies or engraved on cheap love quote signs as) 'my better half.' The truth is, I don't know. And It doesn't really matter to me. What matters is figuring out what I can do to relive myself of this burden. I can't bear it anymore. The emptiness is eating away at my insides like a cancerous parasite. It started slow at first but now it seems like I can hardly stop it from spreading. But I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. My best friend is struggling with the same demons. And has been for longer than I was even aware of until recently. She thought she found a way out of the rabbit hole... by letting in a man who she thought she could trust. It didn't help for long.. So now what?! Sometimes I wonder why these feelings overcame us. But It's like I'm living everyones' nightmare. I'm falling in space. Not sure when I'll wake up and be safe in my bed again. Every once in a while I land on a star and take a look around. Things seem happy for a brief moment. I am transported to a place in which I am comfortable.. I am with friends, laughing, and smiling- a genuine smile. No effort needed... It is short-lived, however. Because good things have a way of disappearing before you want them to... but maybe that's what makes them so great. The fact that they don't last forever. Would you cherish those good times as much if you lived them every moment of the day? Would you even notice them?

The only way to feel true joy or happiness, is to succumb to life's pain and disappointment that- at one point or another- will ultimately, and undoubtedly, present itself to you... So next time the other side of the mountain seems too high to climb... take a step back. Look at it from another perspective. Maybe check out another route. Either way- if you never try, you will never move forward. Take it one day at a time... step-by-step. Eventually you will reach the top. Once you are there, take a look around. Enjoy the view. Afterward, you may even feel the desire to take one last look behind you, just as proof of how far you've come and the strength you found within yourself to accomplish it. Then, with no hesitation or insecurity, you turn around and face your future. Gaze at the possibilities, map out your route, and take a deep breath... then step forward. You can do this- you can do it with steady hands, a sturdy stance and unbreakable spirit. Because in the back of your mind, you know that the hike down won't even compare to the climb up that you just had.

(<3 you ARP)

summer poem

Heat. Its strong this time of year.
Standing in this field. The sunlight on my face.
I feel the morning dew, creep through my bare toes.
Its cool. Refreshing. Makes me feel anew.
I can’t describe this feeling. This feeling summer brings.
It’s something indescribable, intangible, but real…
It leads me to another place. One in which I am alive.
Full of spirit. Passion. Love.
To feel alive is easy during summer days.
Everything around you is beaming, chirping, screaming “I’m alive!”
You feel it in the earth. In the breeze. In the tides.
Its not a stretch of silence, or solitude, like winter often is.
No. There’s voices all around… crowds on every corner
I close my eyes. In my dream I am transported. To another place.
I can hear the life around me.
There’s splashing in the ocean, seagulls cawing from above.
There’s flapping of umbrellas in the gentle summer breeze.
A lifeguard whistles in the distance. A cautious warning to those too far.
I open my eyes.
Now I’m there. I can see it.
I see the feathered wings of those seagulls in the sky.
That vibrant, clear blue sky. It takes my breath away.
Looking down, beneath me is the sand.
A testament to the Earth’s old age.
Boulders, rocks and glass. Once sturdy. solid. Rough.
Worn down over many years, to simple sand. So soft and pure.
Digging my toes down deeper, I feel the sand turn cold.
It sends a sudden chill. It ceases though quite quickly.
For summer sun persists all day. So I can’t be cool for long.
A molecule of salty sweat, drips slowly down my neck.
A physical reminder of the place in which I sit.
When I close my eyes this time, it takes me home again.
To that field in which I lay. Now gazing at the stars.
For the sun has gone away
The grass is cold. The moon has risen. Another day gone by.
But I do not fear. I do not fear.
For the sun will rise again. Tomorrow. And the next.
And just as the everlasting cycle, that the sun and moon do share,
So do I, with hope, you see. Because I know it’s always there.
It greets me with each rising sun and takes me on a journey.
And though I may wonder how long this journey will take.
One thing I am sure of… is I’ll never wonder where.

succumb to your past, then set it free and start over*

Why is it that i feel so lost, so often. i have a great support system- a group of friends who are unbelievably constant. always there for me in my hours of sadness. recently it's been more, but i have a hard time deciphering why. i mean, there's the obvious- i think i'm still a little heart broken sometimes. there are certain people who were in my life for so long, and if you were to look through the past year of life i don't think you'd even find a trace of them. that doesn't mean they don't still impact me, however. one person in particular hasn't seem to fully left me yet. it's almost as if when he left and broke my heart into tiny pieces, each little piece was connected to him. and trying to repair my heart, put the puzzle together again, is nearly impossible. it's taken a while for me to get to a place where i was comfortable on my own. i really was. but now that i'm back in my hometown where we grew up together and experienced so much of our life together, it's as if everywhere i turn.. i see him. that doesn't exactly make it easy to avoid thinking of him, and the 'us' that once was... he has moved on. he did so a while ago. why haven't i found that person yet? i deserve a good person, and someone that will make my stomach do cartwheels and my head feel fuzzy when i see him. i know it sounds petty to complain about something like that, considering the state of the world. but my life somewhat always revolves around love. i'm a hopeless romantic who fantasizes, hopes and possibly dreams too much about my future. i try to take my friends' and family's advice and "slow the hell down" or "take it one day at a time." but it's difficult. i want someone to love. but i'm so afraid to be hurt like this again. i associate the word love with pain now... because so many loved ones have left this world... grandparents, aunts, uncles, peers, friends. that's not to say i haven't seen them though. i tend to think i have some sort of connection to the spirits of the deceased. every person who i have known and loved have visited me in my dreams. i think it's a sign that love never fades. so the pain of missing them should only be temporary, for you will see them again. i believe i will.

i know this was just a ranting blog about nothing, and maybe it's because i just watched a tribute video of a loved one who was a part of my life for 4 years. who knows. but when i feel these emotions i have to write or else i can't do anything else. i'm travelling to Europe this friday and i need to have a clear head. be ready for some life experience. i definitely need it right now. hopefully when i come home i'll have some job opportunities available, or at least something to occupy my time. being alone in this town- which is like an unescapable nightmare of memories- does not help. i hope something comes along soon. i really do. for now, i'll keep my head up and my eyes dry. no tears will be wasted on the past, because although your past should be a part of who you are- it shouldn't dictate your future. i'll use these emotions and maybe they can help guide me in the right direction. toward something foreign or unknown. or maybe toward something that has been there all along but never been truly visible. only God knows where it will take me. and for now i will trust in him. he never gives you a mountain you can't climb.

life limbo

My friend lauren and I were calling this time that we're experiencing right now - "life limbo." We're graduated, so everyone expects us to be adults, but we still don't have jobs so we're dependent on our parents and families to help us until then. So, what exactly are we? Adults don't use their family, they earn their own money and make a living. But children and adolescents haven't graduated from a 4 year college. Now, Lauren just got herself a job so she's floated out of limbo. (YAY LAUREN!) But i'm still here. Floating around, unsure of everything really.

I thought for a while about doing something different. Going in a direction that no one would expect- not even me! I was looking and researching air force nursing. It's a huge commitment and something that I could really call an accomplishment. I've done about 3 things in my life so far that I think i can call accomplishments:

1- I got accepted into, and graduated from, the nursing program at Penn State University
2- I passed my NCLEX on the first try
3- I ran a half-marathon last fall...

Each of those 3 things have concrete evidence of success. A diploma, a license, and a certificate. It's easy to feel accomplished when you have the evidence staring you in the face everyday. In a way it's nice. It reminds me that I can do things if i set my mind to it. But it also makes me sad. The fact that I have to have proof that i'm a good person and do things that I didn't think I could. I should be strong enough to know it in my heart that I've accomplished more than that. And I thought going into the air force could be a way to prove to myself that I can do anything I set my heart on. I could go out into the world and learn something about myself. Be someone different that what everyone thinks i am. Because I am different. I'm different from my friends. Maybe I just feel that way because I'm so in-tuned with my emotions and inner voice. Maybe this is my inner voice- this blog- this stupid URL that fast tracks you to exactly what i'm thinking. I use the word 'you' loosely, considering theres probably one person who even reads this. and that's a stretch. But still. I do this for me mainly. If there's something I want people to hear, I post it. Otherwise, it's just an outlet for my mind. A vessel that transports thoughts and feelings to 'paper.' And as you can see... they tend to stray far from where I began. I started talking about work and ended up talking about my blog?!

Anyway- after getting my heart set on doing something great for my country, being a part of something bigger than anything i've ever experienced.. I talked to a recruiter. I found out that they won't accept me with my medical condition. Needless to say I was devastated. How something so foreign to me could be so appealing, how come i didn't think of it before? Was it because I was afraid? Maybe I didn't think I could literally do it. But as I questioned all of these things I realized that none of it mattered... because it's not a reality now. It reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite movies- 'fools rush in' - with matthew perry. The quote reads, "You're everything I never knew I always wanted..." (however, in my situation the 'want' isn't referring to a lover... and unlike the movie, as it turns out for me, I won't end up getting what I want.) I was refused because of a condition that was caused by a stupid accident one night. I feel like it haunts me. At first it was just the trip to Italy that I wasn't able to go on.. but then it's going on my semester abroad.. then driving, drinking, skydiving.. now joining the air force. It's like it's something I can't escape. A bad dream that no matter how many times I wake up, i feel like i'm still in it. just floating around waiting to wake up for good.

But I am awake, and I have to learn to deal with it. It's something I will have to overcome in my own way, and hopefully one day it may make me stronger. But i only hope for that. i hope that I will be able to find that peace within myself, channel it some other way. Become a better person on my own, and use what i've learned in my life as stepping stones on the way. I can do this. And although I may be upset, and cry more often than usual.. at least I know that I had the passion. I had the desire for something greater than Phoenixville, and State College, and anywhere else i've been. I only hope that God has bigger plans for me here. That he has something bright for my future. Cause for the time being.. I feel lost. I feel like I'm back at square one. And I need a sign. I need to have faith, that things will turn out for the best. I feel like my belief may be failing me, and I never want that to happen. So hopefully this message will reach him quickly. Because I don't know what to do next...

I guess for now i'm still stuck in limbo.

time for a change

So I decided that I want to start writing on a regular basis about anything that comes to mind. Because as I look over my past posts, I realized I seem to only write about serious, depressing, or upsetting things and try to make it seem inspirational.. But a lot more happens in my life than just sadness. So I want to talk about other things. Even though no one really reads this, I like to use it as an outlet for my feelings.. So here's my first post of, hopefully many more...

I went up to State College last weekend, my alma mater, for Arts Fest 2010 baby, WOOHOO! It's sad to admit that I'm no longer a student there, because for the past 4 years I've spent the majority of my time there- meeting friends, experiencing life, learning a lot about myself. It was my second home really. A lot of thoughts came to mind of course. First, and most obviously, it made me sad to know that period in my life was over and now i'm faced with the reality of becoming a "real adult." Am I ready for that?! I mean, I just graduated from PSU with a nursing degree, and am currently studying everyday to pass my NCLEX. When I do, I will be the one in charge of peoples' lives!! It is a huge responsibility, and I think it's just now hitting me... I guess I don't have to worry about it too much right now considering I still don't have a job... UGH! My whole college career everyone kept saying- "you'll always have a job, you picked a great career, you won't have to worry about money or finding a place to work! Good for you!" I wanna say to them now- "YOU LIARS!" look what happened. There's nothing. Well, not nothing- my friends have jobs, and i'm very happy for them... but why can't I find one?! It's very frustrating, but I guess something will come eventually and for now I need to focus on passing my boards..

The second thing I thought about when I was up at school was how much I missed my friends, and the social aspect of college living. It's really hard to keep in touch with people when you're away from them. I've found that out. So when you're at school, it's easy to be close to people because you literally are close! You live about 100 yards away in a different apartment building, or 10 feet away in another bedroom. Even though our living conditions were pretty gross- and when I say that, i'm downplaying how bad it really was. I mean the Meridian elevators constantly were filled with urine in the corners, or vomit so undigested that you could actually decipher what they ate minutes before their body rejected it (usually fries from McD's or cheesy-red sauce, foul smelling awfulness from canyon pizza.. Pretty nasty). The actual apartments weren't 4 star either. Our rooms had ceiling tiles missing, the heat/AC hardly worked- and when it did, it never circulated evenly. You would be in one room in a hoodie, sweats and slippers.. then walk to another room and want to strip down to nothing because it was so hot. The bathrooms had thick, black mold practically glued to the corners of the shower and ceiling. The kitchen appliances were caked in grease. Couches that were so hideous and outdated that we had to cover them with walmart sheets just to look presentable. And Calder Commons was just as bad, if not worse. That is where I spent the bulk of my time as a senior- coming up on weekends and staying with my friends since I lived in Hershey. But despite all of that, It was my place and I loved it. I look back and laugh about it, because it was exactly what we needed as college kids. A crappy 2 bedroom apartment to call home and make us appreciate our real home. I would wake up and think how fun it is to be living away from parents and having a place to myself with my friends, but always missed my house in Phoenixville with my family... But I would also think to myself- I have a family here. My friends ARE my family. Even when we fight or have disagreements, I know they'll always be there for me, just as I will for them. And for that I am so grateful. I have 2 families, both are amazing, and both are something I will cherish forever.

College is a time to experiment, make the wrong choice and learn from it, skip a class because you're hungover, study for 18 hours straight and pull all-nighters in the library, make friends, fall in love, fall out of love .... grow up. I have changed so much in these past few years, but have still stayed true to myself. You start to realize that your life goes on, no matter what happens. Even if you fail a test here or there, don't get straight A's, make stupid decisions (and sometimes regret them), your life will continue. Each experience brings you closer to the person you are maturing into... the life you want... and the people you love.

So even though this weekend brought back some memories, and it does make me a little sad. I'm so glad I was able to go. It made me realize how lucky I am- I have great friends, and even if we slowly drift apart as we get older and move away and soon may not have the time to come back and reunite in our crappy apartments while getting wasted off of cheap alcohol... I know that for 4 years, I had the best time of my life... But now it's time to grow up. Time to change a bit. Time to roll with the punches and live the lives we have made for ourselves. Use what you've learned and do something great. Although our relationships, careers, opportunities and desires will take us far from where we started, we will always be able to look back on the places where we turned the corner from our teenage, adolescent years... to our (slightly) more mature and determined early 20's. The best time in our lives. And we will be able to say- "yeah. I learned a lot. Life is great. Friends are a gift. And our future remains unwritten."


*I dedicate this post to my PSU family, roommates, celebs and even randoms- because without you, my life would never be the same. I love you*

the unwritten pages of our lives

Life is a precious gift that, once bestowed upon us, leaves all possibility hanging in the balance… The ways in which we deal with this open-ended, unwritten book, and how we form our destinies is what sets us all apart. Our own decisions make our destiny a reality. But inability to cope well with the people we become, can lead us down a road that others cannot follow. It’s very easy to get lost when you walk down a road alone, with no one by your side. We live in a world where we have peace with war, passion but also indifference… love and hate. With such strong polar opposite emotions in our world, it’s easy to understand how some people succumb to the wrong ones. They get sucked into this downward tailspin of feelings, leaving them dizzy and confused with so many thoughts floating around in their minds. Thoughts that force them to question who they are, why they are here, and what they’ve done to get there… When an answer can’t be found or they feel the answers they have are not what they should be- many times the guilt or shame takes over, and they are powerless to overcome it. And sometimes, I suppose, when a feeling is so strong that nothing can be done to change it, the answers show themselves in the most brutal of ways. To some, losing their life is not sorrow- but rather a feeling of freedom and sense of accomplishment that in one way or another, they had control over some aspect of their lives. When your thoughts and emotions are constantly swirling in your head, it is easy to lose sight of the best feelings, and surrender to the worst. All we can do with the lives we are given is live it to the fullest. Experience every moment, listen to every sound, feel the earth beneath you, taste and smell the fresh flavors of the world, and always have someone to share these experiences with. Hold tight to the friendships and relationships that keep a fire lit in our hearts, and that act as the little voices in the back of our minds, ready to chime in during times of need…

making an effort

Sometimes life deals you a hand that seems unreasonable and unfair. But that's the way it goes. You cope with the worst hands and celebrate with the best. However, the effort you put in is all relative to the situation. When it is more difficult, it requires more dedication and perseverance in knowing that at some point it will all be okay. At the time, the bad hands seem impossible to handle, but eventually the pain of it all slowly subsides and you understand that everything happens for a reason. It takes time though to feel alright about the situation. So when you feel as if all you want to do is curl up in a ball and not face the facts, know that all it takes to get through the obstacle is faith and a little strength. Strength in knowing all your efforts will someday pay off. No matter how long it takes...

life, love, fire..

I hear people always complaining about how hard life is, and for the most part, I agree. Life is hard. But I started to wonder.. if it wasn't hard, if life came easily.. would it still be worth it? Would you appreciate every moment that was given to you? Every song a bird sings, the sound of the ocean on the shore, a child's smile, or the way your heart pumps when you're standing by the one you love. Would these moments be significant anymore? Because when everything comes easily, things are taken for granted. When life is hard, and not everything goes to plan- you start to realize what truly makes you happy, and appreciate the little things in life that, once passed, cannot be revived. There is life everywhere and in everything around you. Only, recognizing it is the difficult part. The part most people aren't capable of achieving. Seeing life literally is quite natural.. for example, from the smallest aspects, such as a cricket chirping, to the most enormous like a whale breaching at sea.. it is only when you are truly able to feel life around you can you understand what I'm saying. There is life in love, and should always be love in your life.. Loving is the essence of human beings. The ability to feel such strong emotion for another person is something to be valued. However, you are also allowing yourself to be vulnerable, because no living thing can last forever. The physical being of the ones you love will eventually fade away and all that will be left are memories. Memories of love can take you soaring high and far away from the pain of the physical world. And sometimes an escape from reality and a journey to the past is all you need to feel at home.. Love is the essence of our lives. It is vital to keep that flame of life eternally burning. To not let the spark die out.. Because when the fire dwindles down to embers, instead of letting it cool, you must keep feeding it.. feeding it with memories. Travel back to the time when questions could be answered and all things made sense. When every activity was enjoyable. And when you felt most alive.. That is when the flame will rise again. And you will feel every ounce of happiness, in knowing that at one point in your life, you were able to spend time on this earth, whether brief or extended, with someone you love. And that is a gift to be cherished...

is this really me?...

Growing up is a tricky thing. One day you're playing in a sandbox, being chased by the boy carrying a worm and threatening to put it in your hair, and the next you're a week away from becoming a senior in college, majorly in debt from student loans and unnecessary shopping trips you took with your friends when you were feeling sad. The transformation from childhood to adulthood happens when you're not expecting it. Most people don't even notice when it does. I wonder why it is, that when we are young, all we want to do is grow up... and then once you're there, we wish we could just go back to those days on the playground- to the simpler times, before life became so complicated. I'm not saying that being an adult is terrible, but rather terribly confusing. The responsibilities that all at once are thrown upon you, the choices we have to make everyday which ultimately decide our future, and most of all, that feeling of helplessness that overwhelms you when you realize that you only get one chance on this earth to live life the way you choose and be yourself.
This all came to me one day as I was shopping. Go figure. It takes spending way too much money that I don't have to make me realize what truly matters. As I was checking out at the register with my black and brown gladiator sandals, gold chandelier earrings and a brightly patterned scarf, I thought to myself- "Have I become that girl who defines herself through clothing and accessories? Was I always like this? Where did the girl who lived in those jean shorts and Old Navy flip-flops go?" When I was younger I cared less about what people thought of me and lived my life day by day, never making plans for the future. (Possibly because at this time my parents still made all my plans for me, but still). I started to question why it is that I changed who I was as I matured. Obviously growing up forces you to make some changes, but not so many that it should make you feel unsure about yourself and who you are. It starts in Junior High and continues through those teenage years of high school. Everyone is trying to fit in, be part of a group. All the girls dressed the same so that no one can be singled out from the crowd... Looking back, I know it was at that point when I became "like everyone else." All the way through high school it lasted. Everyone shopping at Hollister, American Eagle and Abercrombie. The destroyed, faded wash jeans and the multi-colored polos with the little moose or bird encrusted in the fibers were the staple wardrobe for me and my group of friends. Although we all grew out of that style, the idea of looking the same has stayed with me through college. Ever since the days of those preppy teen clothes, I have been addicted to shopping. I buy whatever is in style, and whatever other people are wearing. I even model some of my outfits off the mannequins in different stores. Why can’t I say- “This is what I like. This is what I’m going to wear today.” Because isn’t part of growing up being able to step outside of the box and do ‘your own thing’? Why haven’t I grown up? Am I stuck in this rut forever? Yea, OK, having a huge closet that is busting with clothes, a shoe rack about to fall down from the weight and jewelry resting in 3 or 4 different boxes or hanging around my room is pretty great… But am I happy because of that? Is my shopping addiction allowing me to be my own person or is it stereotyping me as someone else? I feel as if this may be the turning point for me. Someone once said, “We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.” So after graduating from adolescence and moving on to adulthood, I finally understand the meaning behind the words, ‘Be who you are, and no one else.’ Of course, I know that this doesn’t just mean changing my style- that is just an example of how trivial things, like clothing, do not matter in the grand scheme of things. The only thing that matters, is happiness. And achieving that sometimes means rewinding to the beginning, to before we grew up. It is important to do this sooner rather than later. Because after a while that path that leads you back, gets harder and harder to find...

Friend

I was watching the last few episodes of the show "Friends" today with my roommate. It made me wonder about friendship, and what it truly means to be a friend. Does it mean staying up late quizzing each other in the library until the sun comes up? Is it bringing them a bowl of soup and helping with homework when the other can't raise their heavy, snot-filled head from the bed? Is it holding back their hair as they relieve their stomach of the alcohol that only hours earlier made them lose their inhibitions and finally talk to that boy they've been eyeing? Or is it comforting the other as they cry on your shoulder about the boy who swore he would call and didn't? The one who they thought was "the one" and who said he would be there forever and always. The one who puts you through hell then comes back to you on a white horse, dressed in shining armor and a halo promising everything would be different now. When inevitably a few months later the cycle continues and the crying starts all over again. If you ask me, it's all of those things. I can't give an example of one time when I wouldn't want to be there for one of my friends. My friends are my family. It is an unconditional love. No matter what they do, things they say, or how they may feel- I will always be there for them. The way they are there for me. After my breakup with my ex-boyfriend... well after all 3 breakups, my friends had my back and supported me through every decision I made and action I took. Despite the fact that this was the third time he has left me out in the cold, they understood my pain. I don't believe I would have gotten through this last time if they were not around giving me advice and voicing their opinions. So I am writing this to all my friends and all those who were there for me when I needed them. To those who have wiped my tears when I didn't have the strength to lift my arms; rubbed my back as I weep over the 'what-could-have-beens' and 'only-ifs'; and argued all the reasons as to why he was not the right one for me, forcing me to believe something better is waiting around the corner. Although my prince is not here with me right now, and may not be for a while... for the time being, I have my friends. I have my girls. You are my rock- keeping me from teetering off the edge, sending me head first into the mud. For that, and for keeping my head above water when all I want to do is sink to the bottom... I thank you, and love you.

What really matters?

Do you ever wonder why certain things happen to you? If you say no, you’re lying. At some point or another everyone questions the events leading up to those pivotal moments in ones life. Death of a loved one, birth of a child, graduation, marriage or divorce. When it is sad, we ask ourselves “why us,” “how could you do this, God?” Then when it is a happy event we question why we are so lucky as to have had it happen to us. We are constantly pondering the reason for these events. It is not until something joyful happens afterward that we truly discover the reasoning behind the tragedy. Breaking up with a boyfriend, for example. At the time, that crushing feeling, the absolute pain that rips up your heart and makes your stomach do cartwheels inside. The loneliness you feel when you hear his name, or see something that sparks a memory, immediately causing a sinking feeling throughout your whole body, almost causing a total collapse. At the time you think that things could never be worse and that the pain will never go away because nothing can compare to this devastation. Thinking lives truly hang in the balance… Well how about when something worse really does happen? How about when the mother of that ex-boyfriend gets diagnosed with a terminal illness… Can we take a step back and put things in perspective, finally?

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. I had a very close relationship with his family throughout that time. Her stage 4 lung cancer diagnosis hit home while I was abroad for a week during fall break. After extensive chemo and radiation we thought she was making significant progress. During her progression is when my boyfriend and I split. Yesterday I read his sister’s blog, only to find that her cancer has spread which worsens her prognosis drastically. I didn’t know how to react at first. How can I offer help without being in his or their life anymore? As a nursing student, I constantly teach patients’ families how to cope with these issues and some calming techniques they can use. But all of a sudden I feel completely lost and unsure of everything I have been learning in school. It made me feel so insignificant, and petty for being so upset over something like a breakup. Life is so much simpler when you look at it from a distance. It is only when you pull out the magnifying glass that you truly see the complexity of our lives. Like a giant wicker basket; holding all of us and our existence together in a cluster. The woven fibers of this basket being the relationships we experience throughout our time on earth. Those that damage their relations with loved ones are the people whose basket falls apart. It is essential that as humans we learn forgiveness and how to truly appreciate all relationships, lost or contained. No matter the cause of separation, or the pain in which it caused… Because when something happens that causes deep, true pain, we finally see what matters and why it is important to maintain those relationships. It is trivial to hold grudges and not have faith in others. Through this experience with his family and after seeing toll it takes on the entire household, I realize that despite the fact I am not close with them now, it does not mean I can’t help in whatever way possible. I disregard the bantering and anger from the past with my ex, and I plan to focus on helping him and the family through this time. Because at the end of the day, the truth is… love will always be there, in one way or another. Just because it is not intimate love doesn’t mean it isn’t love. Any act of kindness is out of love and the fact that you care for the other. So today, mend a broken relationship… offer your love or charity to someone who needs it. When tomorrow rolls around, you will see the big picture- that life passes you by when you move too quickly. So cherish it. Every relationship, joy and even tragedy. Because once it is gone, you can never get it back.